Foghorn Leghorn

2006-06-14T00:26:00.000-07:00

I hate it...

Don't talk to me about politics. I hate it. I hate them. I hate those that spout about their politics. I hate pompous wankers that impose their views as if they are better than you. I hate those who make it a point to tell you about their cause, and then refuse your point of view. They are all a waste of this wonderful planet's waning space. I hate politicians when they preach with fake intent to omprove our lives and make things better. Lets face it, the only thing a politician is interested in is his own popularity. I don't for one minute believe there are any politicians 'doing it' for the people. At some point in time they have a little agenda... People complain about lawyers, but they are a treat in comparison. However, politicians come a close second to religious preachers, nuts who have no interest in faith just mayhem - but don't get me started on those c**ts... or I will be here all day.

I don't do politics. Not interested. Don't care about it, you or them. Don't care if you're a lefty commie bastard or a right-wing Nazi - or even if you're on the fence you gutless pussy. Don't care if you are monster raving loony or a terrorist-cum-save the planet pot smoker. Don't care. Be an extremist if you are that fucking stupid - martyr yourself and die for your cause - that will teach them. You're dead you moron .... how is that going to make your life or your family's any better? How is it going to bring sympathy to your plight? I am just sick to death of hearing about it. I don't give a rats arse about who is doing what to who, how and when. Both sides are to blame for their intolerance, they kill themselves or innocent people and hide behind their 'god' or 'country' or whatever pathetic excuse these cowards conjure up. What people like this don't realise, and not just the Middle East crisis, is that for me and many others around the world we don't really care anymore. We are bored of hearing about another martyr killing in a market cafe, a bomb here in the name of god or some other garbage excuse to kill. We lose sympathy for your cause, even if you are right. Eventually people switch off and watch the game. So called politicians and extremist cowards who kill for pleasure should stop and realise it takes a bigger man (or woman) to accept, compromise and tolerate. And use that energy for something better like looking after your family rather than depriving them of their only son!

Most importantly however - don't drag me into your in-bred ignorant world, don't cross my path with your bullshit, and don't for one minute impose your shit on me. All I care about simple basic everyday tolerance, that understanding and getting on with it. I live in the UAE that has its own politics. Whether I agree with it or not I just get on with it, focus my attention on what is important. Be the best I can be with my conscience as my faith, look after my family and friends and try to acheive the best for them and me. Reading world news highlights many idle hands itching to upset the flow. Of course stand up for what you believe in, freedom of speech and whatever your rights are etc.. but don't cross the line or don't cross my line. You want tolerance and understanding - then be the first to give it.

2006-06-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

Here we go here we go...

Its a month of sport. French Open, NBA Finals, Football World Cup, Tour de France and Wimbledon! Me, the cheesy poofs, a crafty Savannah and the TV. Does it get any better than that? I guess I could think of a couple of things to add to the list but would no doubt get shot by feminists.

Its amazing how comatosed we can get in front of a TV broadcasting sports. I know I can totally lose track of everything around me, and see or hear nothing. And sometimes on purpose too. The idea of trying to concentrate on more than the TV is draining frankly. Stanger yet is the fact that we can stay rivited to the box showing the world's most boring and pointless games, such as Togo Vs Uzbekistan - it's completely irrelevant but we really don't care cos its the world cup. Vindaloo La La!

Masses will flock to local drinking holes to congregate around small screens and shout encouragement - I don't think they can hear you by the way but cheer away fella - and then end up drinking themselves stupid regardless if they won or lost - either one is a great excuse really.

For most of the events I will veg at home on the couch, but will adventure out to the beer tents to watch certain games and show the flag (both actually). Lets hope this time its worth the effort....

2006-06-11T23:52:00.000-07:00

Funny quotes...

1) Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

2) Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses (Mrs) every chance he gets."

3) Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

4) Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

5) A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have Snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Frank, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?"

6) US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them!"

7) Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

2006-06-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

Interesting facts - Week june 12th

1. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite

2. The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it

3. 101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die during the movie

4. To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles

5. You're most likely to win the UK's Lotto if you buy your ticket on a Saturday rather than a Wednesday. Because you are more likely to die before the number draw than win

6. In York, it is perfectly legal to shoot a Scotsman with a bow and arrow - except on Sundays

7. No piece of square dry paper can be folded in half more than 7 times

8. An average human loses about 200 head hairs per day

9. In Alaska, it is legal to shoot bears. However, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited

10. Mexico City sinks about 10 inches a year

2006-06-07T00:11:00.000-07:00

Two great articles...

Thanks to my friends at The Sun.

It seems the great British tradition of not handling our alcohol very well and being hooligans surfaced recently as a British Chess Grandmaster got into a boozy scuffle with a rival over a young chess queen.

Answer me this, what is a 19 year old hottie doing playing chess in the first place when a strip club would be a better stage to express her skills...? And I'd have loved to see the chess dorks bitch slapping and scratching each others eyes out.....! Popcorn at the ready.

The other tickler was an interesting article on what goes through numbnut parents' minds as they decide what to call their new born. Now tell me who is a) evil enough or b) stupid enough to name some poor Kid Damian when born on the 6/6/06. Is that not tempting fate? Especially when done on purpose!

I think the word morons come to mind.

2006-06-06T03:17:00.000-07:00

Intersesting facts - week 6th June...

1. The greatest recorded number of children that have been born by one mother is 69! She gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets and a measly 4 sets of quadruplets

2. Every 5 seconds a computer gets infected with a virus

3. 13% of Americans actually believe that some parts of the moon are made of cheese

4. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910

5. Fish that live more than 800 meters below the ocean surface don't have eyes

6. Hydrogen is an explosive gas. Oxygen supports combustion. Yet when these are combined it is water which is used to put out fires

7. The Ramses brand condom is named after the great Pharaoh Ramses II who fathered over 160 children

8. Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors

9. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: Spades - King David, Hearts – Charlemagne, Clubs - Alexander the Great and Diamonds - Julius Caesar

10. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak

2006-06-06T02:51:00.000-07:00

The mind boggles…

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected
2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain
3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape
4. Do you think illiterate people get the full affect of alphabet soup?
5. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific
6. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
7. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
8. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is
9. One out of every three friends is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you
10. They show you how detergent takes out bloodstains. I think if you've got a tee shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem

2006-06-06T02:19:00.000-07:00

Never take it for granted...

This week I've managed to stay away from the blog as my son was over for a 8 days along with the psycho ex!!! Counting to ten.

I don't get to see the little monkey that often so when I pay for them to come on holiday I kinda expect to be allowed to see him for 'me' time. What a battle. I do take care of my son, I spend as much time as possible with him and provide for him very well. So well that she only works 2 days a week in the UK. But as this situation develops it seems like I am doing too much for her under the guise that its for my son. Well no more.

I managed to get him to myself for 4 hours on three separate days of 8 that she was here. I even took time off work - but she chose those days to do activitied with him. I had to get rather angry and she did back down. When I got my son to myself we had a great time. A four year old and my four year old mentality had a blast. But there were constraints. I wasn't to introduce him to my new partner, or leave him with my family - gran and aunt. Or my priveleges would be revoked. Well fuck her. My mother and sister have every right to see him and he really likes them, including his cousin. I introduced him to my partner and they had a blast. So now things are going to change. No longer will she use my son to dictate terms so that I can see him. I always thought she'd never come to play these games, but she uses it too much and what I assumed was good motherhood turned out to be manipulation.

I have now made it clear I won't pay to not see my son grow up. Its that simple. I am not going to entertain time with him in her presence - she lets me have him, even overnight, or I won't provide at all for everyday she refuses me time alone to see my son. She's now going to get her allowance cut in half (which is still substantailly more than the minimum expected of me by UK Law). She can get her lazy arse to work and earn her three bedroom house, car and other materialistic things I provide as a lure to see him. And if she stops me altogether then the money stops completely.

Those of you who think it will derail my son's life, well I have thought of that. My father was always travelling and did all he could, but it wasn't always great - didn't turn me into an axe murderer! My son will still grow up no matter what I do. She chooses whether or not I am involved but if she stops me from seeing him, then I will stop paying. All that money will go to a trust that he will receive when he's 21. Its now going to be on my terms. And don't come at me with that guilt and crap father rubbish. Its been 4 years I've dealt with this shit. I aint doing it anymore.

2006-05-28T03:52:00.000-07:00

You are annoying me....

Stop pissing me off with your stupid email virus warnings. It’s not a virus. You are. Forwarding to millions a stupid warning about a virus only slows down email, clogs up everyone’s systems until email grinds to a halt and becomes the virus. If you don’t have an anti-virus you’re a moron. You deserve to be infected. If you have one, don’t use it and get infected you’re an even bigger moron. If you’re even more stupid to open attachments from people you don’t know then shoot yourself. Now. It’s fuckwits like you that steal our air.

But I am not done. I don’t suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain emails sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Nepal with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates or Walt Disney is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "the special" email, $1000? Are you that much of a retard? "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!" You’re a cock.

All these mails are bullshit. Maybe the evil chain letter demons will come to sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. Fuck them. If you're going to send me anything, make it at least mildly amusing. I am bored with all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, so a poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a penny from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 zillion times. I don't fucking care.

Also don’t forward me get rich quick crap because I am not a retard. I will not send my name to some African renegade exiled leader for my fairy tale share of 25 Million Dollars that he of course wants to share with me. Is that a flying pig? Are you really that fucking in-bred that you actually believe its true? And those who have got stung I laugh at your gullibility. No sympathy, go back to surfing for porn.

Now listen I have better things to do than sift through your garbage. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life or offering the worlds riches for nothing, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss me and others off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 pence per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

2006-05-28T03:49:00.000-07:00

English...

Today's ebonic word is from the Louisiana Public School System:

"OMELET"

Let's use it in a sentence....

"I should pop yo ass fo wha you jus did, but omelet dis one slide."

2006-05-28T03:25:00.000-07:00

Its a killer...

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. What kills you is speaking English.

2006-05-28T03:22:00.000-07:00

Funny quotes...

1. Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel On This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

2. Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

3. Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil tell us about your amazing third leg."

4. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

5. James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Rubens Barrichello?"

2006-05-28T03:18:00.000-07:00

No comment....

2006-05-22T23:39:00.000-07:00

What is the meaning of it all...

Reflecting this week, I've done all I can to stay away from technology including blogging, but have had one of those 'few days' where you tend to ask yourself the usual life altering questions. Why am I here? Why am I doing this? For whom? And for What?

I've put up some more facts for you to read but begrudgingly. I didn't want to access my PC and didn't want to deal with the noddies that spend their lives without foresight or presence of mind to look beyond the tip of their noses!

So why am I here? Is it because I am a 25 year veteran of the UAE and this has become my home? Or the disdain for living in the UK (or most of Europe for that matter) with its foul weather, poor living standards and pessimistic population? Or am I a sunshine nut? Perhaps the Ostrich syndrome is what I am suffering from. A deep breath and world map will allow me to find somewhere where the grass could be greener... but am not so sure. I think the cycle of taking things here for granted, of how good we do have it in the UAE comes and goes. But Why? It's obviously the foundations of this place where everything is inshallah! I hate that. It's incompetence and arrogant. Too many say and don't do, and if they did imagine where this place could really be or acheive. Its just stuck in a hugely progressive vision managed by retards. And when they piss me off, let me down, lie and cause me headaches, reflection over a cold one is always the next step. Or a baseball bat to the knees..

There is such a culture clash that it becomes a norm, and yes I should expect these noddies to be the way they are, but not when they start to be calculating. Being incompetent is easy to handle, but being calculatingly stupid to derail others enrages me. I guess now you see why I am venting! Having gone through this cycle many times, I guess I know how to deal with it. But it still grinds me.

You're gonna tell me know that it happens in all walks of life, all cultures and all places. But I think you will agree that here it just seems to be a way of life rather than an excpetion.

2006-05-22T23:16:00.000-07:00

Interesting facts - Week May 24th...

1) It is impossible to lick your elbow
2) Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair
3) Coca-Cola originally contained cocaine
4) 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts
5) In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere
6) If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
7) More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call
8) The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language
9) The Eiffel Tower in Paris weighs over 1000 elephants
10) In 1879, a mail service in Belgium employed 37 cats to carry bundles of letters to villages around the town of Liege, this experiment was shorted-lived as the cats proved thoroughly undisciplined

2006-05-17T02:30:00.000-07:00

Men and moods...

Men only have two moods..... Hungry and Horny!

So if you see me without a hard on bring me a sandwich!

2006-05-17T00:28:00.000-07:00

Funny quotes...

1) Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's just come in his shorts."

2) Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

3) Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

4) Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!''

5) New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

2006-05-16T23:48:00.000-07:00

Another week flown by...

Don't know about you but its been and seems to be that as we get older time flies by quicker. I know you're gonna say you've hear and read this stuff before but its bloody true. I return from a trip hardly get a chance to catch my breath as I move house and I am off again.

TF - its only to HKG and 2 days - so no big suitcase to sneak you into. Next time I promise!

Everytime I try to sit and sort out basic chores more shit arrives that I suddenly have to deal with immediately if not sooner. So sadly I've not had the chance to upload new trivia to the blog. My sincerest apologies. The most I've done is bug a few others on their blogs with sexist and fesecious comments - my favourite.

The funny thing is that I am not one to rant and rave about personal issues and opinions in this blog. I did vent once but generally try to be as light hearted as possible. Its not that I think others are too open or opinionated - I really like reading about other people's lives and views. And make comments - to have a giggle. I just don't think this is my medium to be that open. Not yet. But maybe slowly it will become an agony aunt!

Just thought I'd share that with you as I won't get the chance to update this again for a few days - so its not that I am ignoring the adoring trivia fans - its just I can't so there!

2006-05-13T00:01:00.000-07:00

Just like Phileas Phogg....

Its been a tough couple of weeks. Moan. Just moved house and then had a trip around the world. Yes around the world. Dubai - Melbourne - Auckland - Tahiti - New York - Dubai... all in 5 days. So I've been sleeping days and livings nights!

Put the two together and its been a pain. However am back. Here is the belated weekly facts and I promise to be more disciplined.

Interesting Facts - Week May 13th

1) Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears
2) Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time
3) Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name
4) Male mosquitoes are vegetarians - Only females bite
5) The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle
6) To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe
7) Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp
8) Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old
9) It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979
10) Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water

Bonus: Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times

2006-04-28T23:59:00.000-07:00

Kali....

Did you know that California became a state on 9th September, 1850?

1) The state had no electricity
2) The state had no money
3) Almost everyone spoke Spanish
4) There were gun fights in the streets

So, basically, it was just like California is today, except the women had real tits!

2006-04-28T23:54:00.000-07:00

10 interesting facts - Week April 29th

1) Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave
2) Those stars and colours you see when you rub your eyes are called phosphenes
3) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing
4) Everyone's tongue print is different, like fingerprints
5) Contrary to popular belief, a swallowed chewing gum doesn't stay in the gut. It will pass through the system and be excreted
6) At 40 Centigrade a person loses about 14.4 calories per hour by breathing
7) There is a hotel in Sweden built entirely out of ice; it is rebuilt every year
8) Cats, camels and giraffes are the only animals in the world that walk right foot, right foot, left foot, left foot, rather than right foot, left foot
9) Onions help reduce cholesterol if eaten after a Fatty meal
10) The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting

2006-04-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

I love the world wide web...

I have had, as you no doubt can tell with all the trivia, a really productive morning in the office. I found some really cool totally useless information and thought I'd share with you all rather than get on with the tediousness. Bored? Hell yes I am, but I still get paid so neh neh neh !

At some point today there are chores to be addressed but let's see what lunch brings first.... something brain numbing no doubt... oh how I yearn for inspiration! Is it just me or do we all go through this in our cubicles? I know bla bla bla...

Back to surfing...

2006-04-24T23:30:00.000-07:00

Office dictionary...

TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and deciding who was responsible

SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves

ASSMOSIS - The process where people seem to absorb success & advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard

SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die

CUBE FARM - An office filled with cubicles

PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a CUBE FARM and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake

CROP DUSTING - Surreptiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM and then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust that follow. This can also lead to PRAIRIE DOGGING q.v.

MOUSE POTATO - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato

SITCOMs - Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them tops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business"

STRESS PUPPY - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whine

XEROX SUBSIDY - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again

ADMINISTRIVIA - The incessant & unending volume of needless paperwork and procedural inflexibility

ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded ADMINISTRIVIA q.v.

A 404 - Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" - meaning that the requested document could not be located

OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time during which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit "reply all")

2006-04-24T23:21:00.000-07:00

10 interesting facts – week April 25th

1) A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second
2) A cat has 32 muscles in each ear
3) On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag
4) A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours
5) A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds
6) A dime has 118 ridges around the edge
7) A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes
8) A snail can sleep for three years
9) Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer
10) Almonds are a member of the peach family

2006-04-24T02:51:00.000-07:00

Exactly...

2006-04-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

One for Balushi....

2006-04-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

Brilliant....

Check this out... Go to this site:

www.tourette-syndrome.com

Once you've had a good look at it - check out the UK version after:

www.tourette-syndrome.co.uk

Too funny...

2006-04-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

Weekend blues...

It's been a funny week. Nothing much to report. So much seems to have happened yet nothing inspiring to write about. I spent wednesday evening at the comedy club which was quite good fun, but not one of their better nights. Friday like most of social Dubai we headed to NAS to see Blobbie do his stuff. It was a good concert but he did feel a little flat. Having heard so much about the 'Entertainer' that he is, I really enjoyed the show and the tunes but was left expecting more, expecting a superstar effort which never materialised. I even managed to blag a ticket for 50Dhs at the gate - so much for it being sold out eh? Perhaps he's either not really my kind of music, or it was Dubai syndrome where he was paid lots to just turn up and do the promotions part of his job, a little like JK last thursday, but deep down was thinking of the Take That reunion he was missing out on.

Either way it was a nice quiet weekend.

2006-04-17T23:10:00.000-07:00

Shit Eating Camel Rapist....

Funny huh? That got me called a racist. A recent fellow blogger made the assumption that I was referring to him as an arab. Funny what insecurity brings out in people but hey... if the cap fits?! Now generally I am the peaceful sort but there's a couple of tigers you don't poke with me.

Racism is one. Too many morons yank the racist card out of their retentive arseholes in the hope of laxating themselves. They flash this card about and jump on the bandwagon cos it's cool man... cos they ain't white brother... and everyone else does it so why can't I? It's clear that he who has to resort to accusations of racism is obviously the racist. Differentiate between intolerance and racism... it's not hard, it's a simple thing to do unless your a near-eyed in-bred fuckwit with the education of a flu-infested chicken - like said blogger.

What makes me laugh about this particular 'cry wolf' racism whine is that it's coming from an Emarati. A local. With a chip on. An obviously uneducated chip at that. Hypocrisy at its best... unless he's blind and actually believes the crap he spouts. Look around fella - the UAE has an Emiratisation programme to fast-track fuckwits to senior positions in order to give them the better jobs. Anywhere in the real world that's kinda called discrimination, no doubt the first thing this fool would shout if he was refused a post in Europe or the US cos he's arab. But here, no no it's all good. Then lets quickly pan around 99% of the shit jobs filled by our subcontinent brothers... it's OK to treat them like shit and let them rot in 50 degree heat... that’s not racism... no no it's called opportunism.... capitalism.... and they're expendable so it's even more OK. Other gulf countries have locals driving cabs working on building sites etc - getting involved and generally helping develop their country. Here they live off the fat of the land and the hard work of others... so don't go there with the racism bitch - you ain't on my level.

I don't generalise so before you all write in and bust my balls that I am talking of all locals - don't. I've been here since before this place was formed as the UAE - something I'm sure said blogger wasn't - so I'm in a damn good place to preach cos I've seen this place evolve! I have good local friends, and local family too. So don't waste your time with pointless racism comments to me - it ain't an argument you'll win.

Second is arrogance. Especially of said comments made to me. I am intolerant. I admit it. I am not and will never be politically correct. I say it how I see it. You don't like it then go rape a camel. I don't care. Its not arrogance it's a fact. What I don't do is arrogantly impose my self or those views. You don't have to agree - in fact don't but if you're gonna bring it make sure you get your ducks in a row. Cos I am a good shot. If you don't understand my comments - ask. If you misinterpret them and go off on one... then you prove my point as in this case. Intolerance is rife and so easy to get sucked into in this country. There isn't anyone here who hasn't done it. Again save your comments no one is holier than thou here...

This place, like any other on our over populated planet, is shit. But it's less shit than most other holes I've been to or lived in. And a few arrogant locals with tinted windows, bulging-eyed sweating Levants and bigger-than-their-boots expats is a small price to pay to live in a beautiful, tax free country (at least for now). So don't ask me to go home... this is my home.

Said blogger also kindly pointed out that I eat out of the hands of camel rapers. Here you refer to your brothers as camel rapers not me... But truth be told since it's your government imposing me to employ them... really they eat of my hand... and my father's hand before me... that must really leave a sheep’s eye stuck in your throat... please don't choke though...

This blog is about opinion - like it or loathe it... I don't care. State your opinion but keep it real and open - I encourage it... and fun too.... but don't poke the tiger!

2006-04-17T00:12:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday fella...

Did you hear it was Hugh Heffner's birthday recently. The old git is now 80 years old and still shagging young dollies... Amazing what those bimbos will do to get famous...!! Good effort fella we'd all do it if we could... Perhaps we can start an Airline Mansion ... there are enough brain dead EK girls looking to get famous here just check out Trilogy on a thursday night!

What made me smile is in his interview he was asked if he had any regrets?

Erm... gee... let me think... uhhh... cock!

2006-04-16T23:58:00.000-07:00

How boring....

I was out all day on a corporate induction recently. Bla bla bla... Having spent over 20 years in the UAE and Middle East the last thing I needed was 5 year veteran from Kerala telling me Dubai's history and vision... I met Sheikh Rashid a number of times... I know exactly what his vision of this place was! How he must be rolling in his grave!

Then the cheek to ask me to stand up and brief all the newbies on Dubai's social hotspots... that's right get the western expat who's obviously a piss head, beer drinking hooligan to point out the others to the pubs and piss up joints... Silly bisnyatch! I don't have time to go drinking as all my spare time is spent time surfing for porn...

Venting over.

2006-04-15T00:20:00.000-07:00

We jammed...

Spent thursday night funkin' out to Jay Kay and the band.... It actually was a really good concert in more ways than one. Parking wasn't a problem, and for all the people there bouncing to the tunes queues were practically non-existant in or out. So well done, good show.

Shame about the the blowout on the encore though... It's only in Dubai that a large event can't go down without an issue of some sort.... The sound and lights went but JK took the whole thing quite well..... at least we we're sure he wasn't miming his songs!

2006-04-14T21:32:00.000-07:00

Brilliant...

Is there a better way to say
'I Love you...' ?

2006-04-14T21:27:00.000-07:00

No Shit Sherlock...

I love it when morons state
the obvious...

2006-04-12T02:20:00.000-07:00

What the foook is that....?

Bred somewhere near the Russian border
close to Chernobyl no doubt....

And the rabbit too....!!!

2006-04-12T02:03:00.000-07:00

Where's the self-respect?

2006-04-12T01:56:00.000-07:00

Bang Bang....

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded due to the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

Linda is blonde, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.

2006-04-12T01:46:00.000-07:00

The simple differences....

1. NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Shit-Head and Four-eyes

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in 20, even though it's only for 32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators

3. BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items

4. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

5. CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats

6. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife

7. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man whilst working for Emirates

8. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does… Damn she does

9. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals

10. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night

Married men should forget their mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

2006-04-12T00:40:00.000-07:00

25 Things to NOT say in bed...

1. Eat it? It took me 10 beers to get up the courage to shag it
2. No, I won’t be gentle
3. Of course you have to swallow
4. I'd rather watch porn
5. Your arse is hairy
6. Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!
7. I was once a woman...
8. Is it O.K. if I tell my friends about this?
9. I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!
10. You wanted me to use a condom?
11. Fire in the hole!!!
12. Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?
13. Cover me boys, I'm going in!!! DIVE! DIVE! DIVE!
14. Stop moaning, you sound so stupid
15. Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna... shit
16. Suck my dick, bitch (actually this one is good....)
17. Are those real?
18. Is that smell coming from you?
19. Smile for the camera, honey!
20. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
21. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
22. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
23. What tampon?
24. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
25. This is for the other hole

2006-04-11T22:32:00.000-07:00

How the mighty preach...

A local Sharjah Sheikha reckons we should focus on better family values and refrain from taking loans to improve our rank and status... Easy for her to say, no doubt she's minted! Rather than preach 'to attain a prosperous lifestyle some families tend to borrow loans from banks, overburdening their families with debts' and accuse us of 'consumerism culture'..... perhaps she should step our of her marble-lined palace, past the Lambos and look at what the UAE is becoming?

If her local friends stopped trying to line their pockets with stupid rents and poor wages for most of our communities, then perhaps many wouldn't have to....

2006-04-11T22:13:00.000-07:00

Calling all cars....

Satwa roundabout chilling in my truck and lights change. Police car on the inside lane speeds up to clearly hack through the red light - no cameras there then! To make matters worse once on the roundabout he actually looks up, and suprise suprise, its busy at 9pm!!! He screetches to a halt 1 inch from an unlicensed 1972 Corolla Sharjah taxi.

The rest of us let me him know how much af an idiot he was by using our horns... its what they're there for right ?!! Realising what a twat he'd been he turns on the sirens/lights and scoots off, at which point we all give him the benefit of the doubt - official police business right?

Mmmh.... Lights change cruising down Diyafa street and parked there was said police car lights still on... waiting for his pal to bring out the Lamb Tikkas!!!

Need to get me some of those flashing lights....

2006-04-11T07:36:00.000-07:00

It's Poisson d'Avril you dumb bit...

Just a quick note to the obviously not French lady who wrote in to Emirates Today recently complaining that CF's Robbie gag, and that all April's Foolishness was an English tradition and no one else would undersand it....

Obviously not French then is she? Probably one of those 'I have a French passport' but of Middle East origin if you get my drift and about as French as a Spinney's baguette!!!

In France they celebrate April the 1st exactly the same way as in the UK - it's called "Poisson d'Avril" which means April's Fish and it's all about playing the pranks..... so shut up!

Is it me or have our daily newspapers become a breeding ground for whingers and moaners rather than interesting letters with valid points....? Come on Eds - time to vet more effectively....

2006-04-11T03:22:00.000-07:00

What to do with these instructors...?

Has the government at last realised that UAE Driving Schools are a joke?

I feel a sense of dread coming on.... no doubt there will be host of new taxi drivers around the region.... Can it get any worse? Hell yeah !! With less instructors the queue to get tested will probably NOT diminish...

But our local friends need not worry - they are still exempt from testing!

2006-04-11T02:50:00.000-07:00

Drink anyone....?

A research article recently published in the US showed that there were traces of female hormones in beer...

Explains why after a few sherberts men talk shite and can't drive.....

I'd like them to test our Dubai Transport Authority.. see if they've been having a few too many!

2006-04-11T02:24:00.000-07:00

Holy slingbacks Batman...

It seems listening to the Koran makes you drive through shoe shop windows....... Was there a sale on?

No no... come on now... it obviously had to be dodgy brakes on a totally unreliable Toyota. The Merc was in for a service. I suppose it is hard for female Egyptian Drs. to differentiate between D and R...

Can anyone let me know where she practices and what just so I well clear ?!!